[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“OMGJK” -atheists
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT