[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I hope Alan is OK
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.