Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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do u think theres a butter planet?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks