Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.