Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
handsome & gretel
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?