“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).