“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit