@ItsAndyRyan: 'Space Jam' never gets old - that's because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don't spoil. Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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@Ristolable: According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends
@david8hughes: [hears baby crying in the next room] "It's ok, I'll go." [gets in car & goes to a motel]
@thenatewolf: Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can't watch that YouTube link? Me: I'm saying it's dangerous to even send them
@Playing_Dad: [Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.