‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Ha
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.