Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’