[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ