[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.