i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs