Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!