[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“What?”
– Jude
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.