It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.