@DaddyJew: Spaghetti, because you didn't like that shirt anyways
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@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
@iwearaonesie: wife [whispers] Josh me wife *nudges me* Josh me: Huh? What? wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
@lovemydogduck: During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: I never would've guessed you're in your 30's. You look so young. Me: I'm old at heart.