Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh