[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You Might Also Like
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.