[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.