Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Attacked by a mop.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Mad Max Arctic Road
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday