Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?