“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Birds & Planes.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.