[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Do not steal food from the science building!
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go