There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I can also cook 😂
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two