I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?