[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Livid.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.