North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510