Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
This one’s “Alex”.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show