@OzCricketFan81: Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool
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@Donna_McCoy: I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you? me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
@aquickschnack: ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be? ME: Barry Bombs