Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
never forget
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Science memes
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit