[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Have a lovely day 😊
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.