Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons