[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I had to Stop for this
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?