[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
when dads have a rap battle
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.