*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old