@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
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@ibid78: [my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
@sheseemslegit: Dear Fox news, I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
@rolldiggity: I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.