@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
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@ojedge: [cash4gold] Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] "How much is this worth?" "It's 25 carats…" [8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?
@NurseSeymour: I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.