@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
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@noogscorner: Splinter: Leo. Mikey: I'm Michelangelo. That's Leo. Donny: I'm Donatello. That's Leo. Leo: I thought I was Raphael. - Why they wear masks
@TheRolo: Table for six please? "Is your party coming soon or?" [Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I'm going to need booster seats
@ericsshadow: My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
@knotta_tardfan: I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.