Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.