The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Brb my Sims are getting married
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.