Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
i’m sure it’s fine
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up