Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times