My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
What flavor cupcake are these
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc