Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Saturday
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities