@iwearaonesie: Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can't hear the TV

@InternetHippo: MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out ME: What if he's already seeing someone MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship

@iGreenMonk: I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

@steveffootball: A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn't make a face. We're getting married

@MomofTeen: Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone. Each year, my Dad says, "I can't wait to see what I got everyone!"