I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My inexpensive home security system…
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Midwest trash talk
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.