Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
cat vs inanimate object
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!