[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.