[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste