[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
relationship goals
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.