[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.