[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
How is it still this week?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”