when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Why am I like this?
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