*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”