[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.