*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.